11 In Pregnancy

TTC After a Miscarriage: A Playlist for Hope

Thought I’d get a little personal on the blog today, since personal posts are the ones I get the most requests for. If talking about Trying to Conceive, Miscarriage, Pregnancies, or Faith are uncomfortable subjects for you, feel free to skip this one and come back tomorrow. This is a judgement free zone, but it’s also my zone and one where I get to choose the topics. I don’t talk about faith related things often on the blog because sadly it can be such a polarizing topic, but today it’s happening. We good?

August 13 shook me to my core. It’s the day we miscarried at 8 weeks, and I’ll never forget it. I felt like everything I knew about my body, and babies, and God came screeching to a halt. I felt like my luck had run out, and like I was suddenly one of those “good people” nonchalantly mentioned in the age old question, “why do bad things happen to good people?” I felt betrayed by my body, and no doubt, a little betrayed by God if we’re really being honest. I felt guilty for it happening in my body, like there had to have been something that I did to cause it. I felt like the world stopped spinning for about 48 hours and suddenly my mind was bogged down with questions I’d never thought before but couldn’t shake. Questions like,

  • “Did this baby ever have a heartbeat? If it did, will we see it again in Heaven?”
  • “If this baby never had a heartbeat to begin with, does that mean it wasn’t really a baby?”
  • “Will we recognize this baby in Heaven?”
  • “Will this baby even go to Heaven in the first place if it did/didn’t have a heartbeat or did/didn’t have a soul yet?”
  • “When do babies gain their souls? At conception? At birth upon their first breathe?”
  • “Did we actually lose the baby right then at 8 weeks, or had it been deceased for a while without my body recognizing it?”
  • “If they’d brought us in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks, would we have known a miscarriage was imminent? Would it have had a heartbeat then?”
  • “Is it going to happen again?”
  • “What was the gender?”
  • “Am I just being dramatic being sad over losing an 8 week pregnancy?”
  • “Was the miscarriage God’s way of saying we didn’t need to bring that baby into this world?”

These questions have played and replayed on my mind the past 115 days. Everyday I’ve racked my brain trying to come up with an answer, and most days I just let the thoughts fade away and move onto the next thing. I’ve stayed up late researching and reading other blogs and websites on the topic. I even went so far as to email our preacher at church to get his take on a few of them. He provided me with some good scriptures to start with, which were comforting. But, it’s still such a grey area – the concept of miscarriage isn’t exactly mentioned in the Bible a plethora of times, and when it is, it’s pretty vague.

There are a handful of scriptures though that I’ve found solace in, and that I’ve done a lot of reading on. In 2 Samuel, David seems to be convinced he will see his child again, “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart.” And Psalm 139:13-16 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Above all, we know that God is close to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18), and understands more than anyone the loss of a child. I know he’s got us in His hands, and already has our family planned out before His eyes, our beautiful story already written in His book. And while I feel like I’m still left with questions, I’m not left with a wavering faith because I have full confidence in our God, who is good and just, even when He says “Not now.”

This has been a tough last half of 2017 to say the least, but we are all doing much, much better. I think our spirits are lifted, and even though I feel like we’ve been plagued by the M word, I still feel like we’ve had more light times, than dark. I love our little family so much, and am thankful for them everyday! We’re stronger than ever before.

Of course, the one question I’m sure everyone always wonders is, “Will you try again and when?” And while I’m leaving the full answer private, I will say that yes, we want to try again. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to try again immediately after our miscarriage. If I could have gotten pregnant the very next day and put it all behind us, I would have. Some people would rather wait a few months to grieve before trying again, but I felt like as soon as mother nature returned, I wanted to try again. And I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through a miscarriage can really understand that, but those of you that have probably can.

Trying to conceive after a miscarriage is tricky business though, because even though mother nature is back, things aren’t really back to normal yet. Timing is still a little wonky, hormones aren’t quite 100%, and that can be hard to figure out. At least for me it has been. It can also be tricky mentally and emotionally because more often than not it feels like everyone around you is getting pregnant like flies. It’s like everyone drank the water but it ran out before you got a turn. And to make it worse, it feels like they’re all second or third pregnancy announcements. Cue the, “what’s wrong with me I can’t even make a second one again!” inner voice. “They’re pregnant with another one?!” seems like a daily occurrence on Facebook. And while you’re ecstatic for them, you’re still beyond frustrated that your body even had to deal with this mess in the first place.

Then there’s the fear. Oh the fear! As badly as I want to have another, I feel like now I know too much. Like, you know how with your first pregnancy, it’s kind of like ignorance is bliss? The idea of miscarriage had literally never crossed my mind. I never once thought about how easily things could go wrong or when miscarriages most commonly occur. This time around though, it’s like I can’t un-see it. I can’t un-know what I know now and in a way that really sucks! I know now more than ever how delicate a pregnancy is, and how much of a miracle has to happen for it to be successful. And I know how quickly it can all disappear. But, like they say, knowledge is power, and I plan on using that to my advantage.

More than anything though, trying to conceive after a miscarriage requires more faith that you can even know. Clearly we’re not in control, but someone sure is. Now that we’ve jumped back into the TTC journey, it’s just a matter of believing that it will happen when it’s supposed to happen and knowing that God’s timing is always perfect. It was perfect with Adeline, and because in my heart I believe we serve a powerful God, I’m fully trusting that He’ll bring us our rainbow baby when the time is right. And until that day comes, I’m soaking up every second with my best girl. What a ray of sunlight she’s been!

There have been a few songs that have been on my daily rotation these past couple months, and they have provided a sense of optimism and hope. Hope for baby #2 that I know is still a sparkle in God’s eye. I thought I’d share them below, in case anyone else on a similar journey could relate, or could use them. They’re good, you guys. My favorite, “Do It Again” has been my anthem, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to it in the car with tears in my eyes.

“I’ve seen you move, you move the mountains. And I believe, I’ll see you do it again.”

No questions today, but feel free to join in the conversation or share your story. 

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11 Comments

  • Reply
    Mom
    December 6, 2017 at 8:56 am

    You are an amazing woman and incredible mom. So so proud of your faith and resilience.

  • Reply
    Virjinia
    December 6, 2017 at 9:19 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. We are currently TTC and have been unsuccessful after a year. We’re not quite in the same boat but I agree with you that we serve such a powerful God. “Do It Again” gets me sobbing every time because there’s truth to it. I’m praying for you, sister.
    Virjinia recently posted…Getting In Shape Doesn’t Have To Be ExpensiveMy Profile

  • Reply
    Erinn
    December 6, 2017 at 9:55 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your story! I truly believe everything happens for a reason and maybe your reason is to share your story to help others so no one feels like they’re alone.
    Love this playlist!
    Erinn recently posted…Winter Bucket List 2017My Profile

  • Reply
    Kaitlyn
    December 6, 2017 at 11:43 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you love and light!
    Kaitlyn recently posted…How To Eat Well and Stay Healthy During the HolidaysMy Profile

  • Reply
    Heather
    December 6, 2017 at 1:08 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing, Sarah. I am praying for you and your beautiful family <3
    Heather recently posted…My Experiences with Sleep TrainingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Amanda
    December 6, 2017 at 4:17 pm

    One of my best friends had 2 miscarriages this year. It’s been really hard on her, so you are not alone! I pray that 2018 is a joyous year for your family. I LOVE the song Even If and was going to suggest that one if it wasn’t on your list 🙂
    Amanda recently posted…Confession Session vol. 9My Profile

  • Reply
    Emily
    December 6, 2017 at 4:57 pm

    Oh Sarah, I am so sorry that you and your family had to experience a miscarriage. While I have not experienced one personally, I have had those close to me go through them and it is a very real and painful loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. You are one strong lady, thanks for sharing.

  • Reply
    Rachel
    December 6, 2017 at 9:11 pm

    Beautifully stated. I feel that sharing is part of the healing process for some. Miscarriage is difficult because it’s often privately grieving- and you question yourself about the legitimacy of your grief! But it is grief even though you didn’t get to meet that babe. We grieve the dreams and plans that we had for this child. I choose to believe we will meet them in heaven. How comforting to know that even though we didn’t get to meet them, God knew them! God is good!

  • Reply
    Lindsey
    December 8, 2017 at 1:50 pm

    I had a MC in May of 2016 at 8 weeks, just 1 week after going to the Dr heading a strong heartbeat. I still have questions! It is such an emotional experience- sadness, guilt, anger, fear. I had to have a D&C so I knew I wanted to wait at least 3 months for my body to heal, and didn’t get pregnant till 6 months after that. You just feel so empty afterwards. I still feel a little bit of a hole in my life because of it. I totally relate to feeling hurt looking on facebook at all the pregnancy announcements!! Seeing babies and pregnant women was painful. I had to get up and leave church one Sunday because someone spoke up and asked for prayers for their 16 year old niece who was about to have a baby.. and I knew that she would struggle and probably didn’t want that baby and here I was happy married and so ready to be a mom who lost her baby. It is just an ongoing battle to accept. I am glad you are doing better though. Talking and meeting with others who had gone through it was my saving grace. I met one of my best friends through this experience and now we are getting to experience motherhood together because we both got pregnant later that year. I pray you meet some other mamas who understand how complicated a MC is and understand all the struggles with trying again!! <3

    • Reply
      Lindsey
      December 8, 2017 at 1:55 pm

      I’m on my work computer so I cant see what songs you posted because its blocked, but a few I really found comfort in were:
      Thy Will – Hilary Scott and Last Hope- Paramore

  • Reply
    Katie
    December 9, 2017 at 11:45 am

    thank you for sharing scripture! i haven’t experienced ttc yet, but i think the word can be a great place to find comfort.
    Katie recently posted…December CheerMy Profile

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