Thought I’d get a little personal on the blog today, since personal posts are the ones I get the most requests for. If talking about Trying to Conceive, Miscarriage, Pregnancies, or Faith are uncomfortable subjects for you, feel free to skip this one and come back tomorrow. This is a judgement free zone, but it’s also my zone and one where I get to choose the topics. I don’t talk about faith related things often on the blog because sadly it can be such a polarizing topic, but today it’s happening. We good?
August 13 shook me to my core. It’s the day we miscarried at 8 weeks, and I’ll never forget it. I felt like everything I knew about my body, and babies, and God came screeching to a halt. I felt like my luck had run out, and like I was suddenly one of those “good people” nonchalantly mentioned in the age old question, “why do bad things happen to good people?” I felt betrayed by my body, and no doubt, a little betrayed by God if we’re really being honest. I felt guilty for it happening in my body, like there had to have been something that I did to cause it. I felt like the world stopped spinning for about 48 hours and suddenly my mind was bogged down with questions I’d never thought before but couldn’t shake. Questions like,
- “Did this baby ever have a heartbeat? If it did, will we see it again in Heaven?”
- “If this baby never had a heartbeat to begin with, does that mean it wasn’t really a baby?”
- “Will we recognize this baby in Heaven?”
- “Will this baby even go to Heaven in the first place if it did/didn’t have a heartbeat or did/didn’t have a soul yet?”
- “When do babies gain their souls? At conception? At birth upon their first breathe?”
- “Did we actually lose the baby right then at 8 weeks, or had it been deceased for a while without my body recognizing it?”
- “If they’d brought us in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks, would we have known a miscarriage was imminent? Would it have had a heartbeat then?”
- “Is it going to happen again?”
- “What was the gender?”
- “Am I just being dramatic being sad over losing an 8 week pregnancy?”
- “Was the miscarriage God’s way of saying we didn’t need to bring that baby into this world?”
These questions have played and replayed on my mind the past 115 days. Everyday I’ve racked my brain trying to come up with an answer, and most days I just let the thoughts fade away and move onto the next thing. I’ve stayed up late researching and reading other blogs and websites on the topic. I even went so far as to email our preacher at church to get his take on a few of them. He provided me with some good scriptures to start with, which were comforting. But, it’s still such a grey area – the concept of miscarriage isn’t exactly mentioned in the Bible a plethora of times, and when it is, it’s pretty vague.
There are a handful of scriptures though that I’ve found solace in, and that I’ve done a lot of reading on. In 2 Samuel, David seems to be convinced he will see his child again, “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart.” And Psalm 139:13-16 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Above all, we know that God is close to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18), and understands more than anyone the loss of a child. I know he’s got us in His hands, and already has our family planned out before His eyes, our beautiful story already written in His book. And while I feel like I’m still left with questions, I’m not left with a wavering faith because I have full confidence in our God, who is good and just, even when He says “Not now.”
This has been a tough last half of 2017 to say the least, but we are all doing much, much better. I think our spirits are lifted, and even though I feel like we’ve been plagued by the M word, I still feel like we’ve had more light times, than dark. I love our little family so much, and am thankful for them everyday! We’re stronger than ever before.
Of course, the one question I’m sure everyone always wonders is, “Will you try again and when?” And while I’m leaving the full answer private, I will say that yes, we want to try again. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to try again immediately after our miscarriage. If I could have gotten pregnant the very next day and put it all behind us, I would have. Some people would rather wait a few months to grieve before trying again, but I felt like as soon as mother nature returned, I wanted to try again. And I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through a miscarriage can really understand that, but those of you that have probably can.
Trying to conceive after a miscarriage is tricky business though, because even though mother nature is back, things aren’t really back to normal yet. Timing is still a little wonky, hormones aren’t quite 100%, and that can be hard to figure out. At least for me it has been. It can also be tricky mentally and emotionally because more often than not it feels like everyone around you is getting pregnant like flies. It’s like everyone drank the water but it ran out before you got a turn. And to make it worse, it feels like they’re all second or third pregnancy announcements. Cue the, “what’s wrong with me I can’t even make a second one again!” inner voice. “They’re pregnant with another one?!” seems like a daily occurrence on Facebook. And while you’re ecstatic for them, you’re still beyond frustrated that your body even had to deal with this mess in the first place.
Then there’s the fear. Oh the fear! As badly as I want to have another, I feel like now I know too much. Like, you know how with your first pregnancy, it’s kind of like ignorance is bliss? The idea of miscarriage had literally never crossed my mind. I never once thought about how easily things could go wrong or when miscarriages most commonly occur. This time around though, it’s like I can’t un-see it. I can’t un-know what I know now and in a way that really sucks! I know now more than ever how delicate a pregnancy is, and how much of a miracle has to happen for it to be successful. And I know how quickly it can all disappear. But, like they say, knowledge is power, and I plan on using that to my advantage.
More than anything though, trying to conceive after a miscarriage requires more faith that you can even know. Clearly we’re not in control, but someone sure is. Now that we’ve jumped back into the TTC journey, it’s just a matter of believing that it will happen when it’s supposed to happen and knowing that God’s timing is always perfect. It was perfect with Adeline, and because in my heart I believe we serve a powerful God, I’m fully trusting that He’ll bring us our rainbow baby when the time is right. And until that day comes, I’m soaking up every second with my best girl. What a ray of sunlight she’s been!
There have been a few songs that have been on my daily rotation these past couple months, and they have provided a sense of optimism and hope. Hope for baby #2 that I know is still a sparkle in God’s eye. I thought I’d share them below, in case anyone else on a similar journey could relate, or could use them. They’re good, you guys. My favorite, “Do It Again” has been my anthem, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to it in the car with tears in my eyes.
“I’ve seen you move, you move the mountains. And I believe, I’ll see you do it again.”
No questions today, but feel free to join in the conversation or share your story.