I don’t usually post twice a day, or really share too much of what’s on my heart in a given moment, but I couldn’t help but log in while my baby girl sleeps on my chest and jot these feels down.
Today was a hard day. One of those days where you question everything you’re doing as a mom, and whether what you’re doing and the decisions you’re making are right.
I mentioned earlier that Adeline has been sick with a terrible cold, and that she stayed home from daycare yesterday and Adam stayed home to be “on duty” while I worked. Well, she woke up feeling puny again today and I knew she’d be miserable at school so I kept her home with me. Adam went back to work, so I was on my own with a sweet as pie baby girl that just doesn’t feel good.
The morning was fine – a breeze even. She ate a good breakfast, then went down for an almost two hour nap! I got a ton accomplished, and during my meetings, after she woke up, I started noticing her getting fussier and fussier. I was able to distract her a little on my calls by throwing handfuls of puffs and mummums and eventually her bottle at her. But, then she only took about half of her bottle which is totally NOT like her at all. I finally got her to finish her bottle before I headed out for my lunch break, but she fussed the whole time I changed her and got out the door.
During lunch, we went to tour a new (to us) daycare thats about five minutes from our house. We love, love, love her current daycare, but it’s downtown which is about 20 minutes from our house. At my old job, it was literally two blocks away which was absolutely perfect but now that I’m working from home we’ve been thinking it would make more sense to look into moving her closer. So, anyways, we toured a new school today and we were very impressed. We being me and Adeline. Adam will go tour it tomorrow. It’s smaller, tiny really compared to her current school, and they have cameras in the room that you can access from your computer any time during the day. Pretty nice! But, I still felt like we were cheating on her current teachers because her current school has been so good to her and it makes me sad to even think about leaving. But she’s also in a new classroom (I think I mentioned that, she has new teachers and is officially in a new room for the new school year.) So we like her teachers ok, but I feel like we’d gotten so close to her first teachers that I’m having a really hard time feeling comfortable with the new ones. And there’s new kids in her new class, which is fine, there will ALWAYS be new kids in her classes at school, but it’s still been a harder change than I thought. But regardless, we do still love that center and hate to leave. Wow ok sorry about that word vomit – back on track now. So we liked the new daycare we looked at today, but this mama just has so many mixed emotions and thoughts about what to do.
Right as we were leaving the tour, Adeline started getting suuuuuper fussy. I knew it was her nap time and I knew she was just fussing because she was tired but I decided to be selfish and swing through Sonic to grab lunch first before heading home to put her down. By the time we got home, it was a full out scream fest. Like, would DHS call me out for putting headphones on to tune out her screaming? I’m just kidding, I didn’t do that, but oh my goodness she was a mess. I know she was just super overtired and past the point of being able to calm herself down but she would not stop crying. Moms you know the cry – the overtired and worked up cry where she just can’t catch her breathe and if she would just close her eyes for a second and stop moving she’d pass out. So I spent the rest of my lunch rocking and bouncing and walking around with her before I finally had to put her in her crib to see if maybe she’d just cry herself out. She eventually fell asleep maybe 15 minutes later and slept for about an hour.
But then she woke up, and I had two more calls. So, I put her in her pack n play in the living room and again loaded her up with puffs and turned on Bob Ross on Netflix to keep her calm. Thankfully she stayed fairly calm and quiet until my calls were over. Talk about feeling so guilty though! It is SO hard to work from home AND keep her home with me. Way harder than I ever thought it would be. Especially on sicks days like today where all she wants is to be held. Normal days are a little easier, but today was a huge epic fail.
Eventually the clock struck 5 and it was time to ‘clock out’ per say, so I could scoop her back up and give her my undivided attention. She started screaming again, like the same overtired, can’t calm down, won’t take a deep breathe screaming, so back to the glider it was. Kid you not, she passed out on my chest in no less than three minutes. It was like I turned on the sound machine and it turned off my child at the same time. Realizing I needed to accomplish a few more small things, I carried her into our room and she’s been sleeping on my chest ever since. She never does this, or is this fussy throughout the day. I’m really hoping it’s just her cold + maybe teething. It breaks my heart to see her not feeling good, and while it does make me melt into a puddle having her fall asleep on my like this, it also fills my head with thoughts.
Am I doing this right? Am I a good mom? Was it selfish of me to keep her home with me while I work even if it meant distracting her most of the day? Are we making good parenting choices? Should we have changed our schedule and our routine like this? Do I feel judged sometimes for trying to balance so many things outside the home? Do I feel judged for being a working mom? Am I a bad mom for actually wanting to work? For wanting to grow my career? (Let me clear that up, if we were in a financial position for me to stay home in the first place, I would still have serious doubts about whether staying home full time would be the right decision for me.) Am I a bad mom for being completely and utterly exhausted listening to her cry all.day.long? Am I a bad mom for sometimes feeling I just want to crawl into a cave? Am I bad mom for feeling bitterness and jealously towards friends who have their moms close by to come help them? Would I give anything in the world for that to be our reality?
While I don’t know the answer to those questions, and I probably never will, what I do know is this. I am a good mom and I love Adeline more than life itself. I would go to the ends of the Earth in order to help provide for her and give her all she ever wanted. I would take a poopy day like today where she screams what feels like every second, a million times over a day where I’m away from her all day, which only solidifies to me that maybe this was indeed a good career move. I am a good mom because every time I think about her it puts a smile on my face, makes me tear up, and often times just makes me laugh. I am a good mom because I am always thinking about what’s best for Adeline and our family. I am a good mom because I’m showing her what it means to be a #girlboss and follow your dreams. I am a good mom because every time she belly laughs at her dad I can feel my heart grow infinitely bigger. I am a good mom because I am doing everything in my power to be.
Thanks for listening to my ramble.
She just woke up, in case you were wondering. I’ll gladly take a 45 minute nap on the chest any day, even if it concludes a no good very bad day.