We had a wonderful weekend, and I tried really hard to stay positive and not let myself feel defeated. It was a long week. A long, long week. I think this weekend we both just wanted to not only keep ourselves busy and distracted, but also spend a little extra time as a family, just the three of us. Just when I think I couldn’t love Adeline more, God is like, how about now? I feel so much more thankful for Adeline now, and her health, and I never want to take that for granted. I’m so glad we’ve had her to snuggle during this time, because she brings such a joy to our days when it feels like nothing else can.
I’ve had lots of friends and family reach out and ask how I’m doing. And several times I had to really stop and think. How am I? What exactly am I feeling? I’m still not entirely sure, but I know I’ve caught myself hesitating before instinctively answering, “I’m okay” more times than I can count, because I’m not okay. “I’m okay” is the most mundane answer to respond with when inside you know you’re feeling emotions you’ve never felt before. I hate that it’s become a habitual answer. Just like when someone says, “I’m sorry,” and I almost say, “It’s okay.” But it’s not. It’s not okay. I mean not really. I’m not okay with what happened. And it’s not your fault, so don’t feel like you need to say you’re sorry. I almost loathe when someone says “I’m sorry” because what am I supposed to respond with? That I agree? That you’re right, you should be sorry? That I’m sorry too? Thanks? A part of me almost feels like it would be more appropriate to say, “That really sucks.” Because that would be a truthful statement, and not one that’s awkward to respond to. It does suck, and that’s really all there is to it. But I know those are just my raw feelings at the moment.
This has been a really weird experience to go through because no one else can really understand what you’re feeling, except for someone who’s also gone through a similar storm. It’s hard to explain, and I’m sure some people think it’s dramatic being sad about a lost 8 week old fetus. Or embryo. Or tissue. What it was, or wasn’t, it doesn’t matter. I sustained a life for 8 weeks, and then I suddenly didn’t. And it’s just not talked about enough. Typically you can find anything on Google in one easy search, but I found myself having to dig pretty deep to read similar, real stories. Not the trash you read on forums.
On one hand I want to cry and be upset and angry at everyone else who hasn’t gone through it, and on the other hand I want to fast forward time and get back on a normal cycle and forget it ever happened. I want to be excited about trying again, and look forward to what could be, and not what wasn’t. There’s no point in dwelling on it because it can’t be changed. It can’t be taken back. And we can only move forward. With God all things are possible, and I have full faith that He will bless us with another beautiful, healthy baby in due time. And I’m really freaking excited about it!
There’s certainly a grief period that comes along with losing a pregnancy, and the grief comes and goes in waves, at random moments. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always there, like a dull ache. But I can still push it to the back of my mind, go about my day, and almost forget about it until something triggers it to come rushing back into my thoughts. This weekend for instance – we had so many laughs this weekend, made so many new memories with A, spent time with family, played in the pool, and even had a fun date night just Adam and I. (Which I can’t wait to share about because we discovered the BEST pizza place in north TX I think!) And I was happy through all of it. But then yesterday I saw the first, “we’re expecting baby #2 in March!” announcement. And it took everything I had to not cry and throw my phone out the window.
But then I remembered again how great of a weekend we were having! And I was like, forget that, I refuse to let this ruin my day AGAIN! I deserve to be happy, and we are BLESSED times a million as it is. Our lives are pretty awesome. Sure, this really, really sucked, but it’s in the past now, and we are moving on! I’m working on allowing myself to be sad when I want to be sad, but more so working on purposefully being happy and positive and soaking up this time with Adeline and remembering that Adam needs me, and I need him, and it’s stupid for us to both be depressed.
It’s hard sometimes to see the positives within this situation, but we’ve actually found a few. The glass is always half full, right? Adeline turns two in two months from now, which means it’s time to start party planning! I’ve got a fun theme picked out, and have already started a Pinterest board to organize my ideas. I’m planning on taking all my energy out on her party, though I’m not sure I’ll ever love a party as much as I loved her first birthday party. We also haven’t taken our 5 year anniversary trip yet, and now it seems like we have the perfect window of time to make it happen! We haven’t decided what we’ll do yet, probably just a long weekend away somewhere semi-close. And, let’s be real, we’re still not completely done unpacking. Now that we have more time on our hands than we thought, we’re extra motivated to get all the boxes out of the way, finish hanging everything on the walls, and order our last few wish list items for the backyard and playroom. I also got sucked into Game of Thrones last night (eye-roll) and now I’m on episode 3 of season 1 itching to binge watch the whole thing! I told Adam this could be my “time filler show” while I patiently wait for these silly hormones to get back on track. Because if you didn’t know, it takes approximately a century for your HCG to go back down. I’m also planning on getting back to the gym, and now I’m even more motivated to get myself in tip-top shape!
I fully intend to spoil Adeline something fierce these next few weeks. Adeline is such a little firecracker, that it’s hard not to feel instantly happy around her, even if my heart is hurting. Sometimes I think she needs her own little sitcom she’s just so goofy! I want to finally make time to take a zoo trip, visit a few of the children’s museums, and hit up some new playgrounds. Now that summer is coming to a close, I’m thinking we’ll be spending lots of time outside just being. I want to focus on the NOW, and not rush the hands of time.
A good friend of mine said something to me just a day after it happened that really resonated with me, and set the tone for how I’ve decided to deal with things:
“You have such a good outlook on such a sh**** situation.”
And that’s really all you can do, right? (Apologies for the potty word, but the only way to get her point across was to quote her verbatim)
Thank you again to everyone who’s sent words of encouragement or shared their own story with me. It’s beyond helpful! One of these days I’ll get my act together and respond to all of them! Here’s to having a happy week.
PS I’m planning on sharing a house tour pretty soon, so yay for that!