8 In Motherhood/ Pregnancy

Focusing On The Now: Life After The Miscarriage

Happy Monday!

We had a wonderful weekend, and I tried really hard to stay positive and not let myself feel defeated. It was a long week. A long, long week. I think this weekend we both just wanted to not only keep ourselves busy and distracted, but also spend a little extra time as a family, just the three of us. Just when I think I couldn’t love Adeline more, God is like, how about now? I feel so much more thankful for Adeline now, and her health, and I never want to take that for granted. I’m so glad we’ve had her to snuggle during this time, because she brings such a joy to our days when it feels like nothing else can.

I’ve had lots of friends and family reach out and ask how I’m doing. And several times I had to really stop and think. How am I? What exactly am I feeling? I’m still not entirely sure, but I know I’ve caught myself hesitating before instinctively answering, “I’m okay” more times than I can count, because I’m not okay. “I’m okay” is the most mundane answer to respond with when inside you know you’re feeling emotions you’ve never felt before. I hate that it’s become a habitual answer. Just like when someone says, “I’m sorry,” and I almost say, “It’s okay.” But it’s not. It’s not okay. I mean not really. I’m not okay with what happened. And it’s not your fault, so don’t feel like you need to say you’re sorry. I almost loathe when someone says “I’m sorry” because what am I supposed to respond with? That I agree? That you’re right, you should be sorry? That I’m sorry too? Thanks? A part of me almost feels like it would be more appropriate to say, “That really sucks.” Because that would be a truthful statement, and not one that’s awkward to respond to. It does suck, and that’s really all there is to it. But I know those are just my raw feelings at the moment.

This has been a really weird experience to go through because no one else can really understand what you’re feeling, except for someone who’s also gone through a similar storm. It’s hard to explain, and I’m sure some people think it’s dramatic being sad about a lost 8 week old fetus. Or embryo. Or tissue. What it was, or wasn’t, it doesn’t matter. I sustained a life for 8 weeks, and then I suddenly didn’t. And it’s just not talked about enough. Typically you can find anything on Google in one easy search, but I found myself having to dig pretty deep to read similar, real stories. Not the trash you read on forums.

On one hand I want to cry and be upset and angry at everyone else who hasn’t gone through it, and on the other hand I want to fast forward time and get back on a normal cycle and forget it ever happened. I want to be excited about trying again, and look forward to what could be, and not what wasn’t. There’s no point in dwelling on it because it can’t be changed. It can’t be taken back. And we can only move forward. With God all things are possible, and I have full faith that He will bless us with another beautiful, healthy baby in due time. And I’m really freaking excited about it!

There’s certainly a grief period that comes along with losing a pregnancy, and the grief comes and goes in waves, at random moments. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always there, like a dull ache. But I can still push it to the back of my mind, go about my day, and almost forget about it until something triggers it to come rushing back into my thoughts. This weekend for instance – we had so many laughs this weekend, made so many new memories with A, spent time with family, played in the pool, and even had a fun date night just Adam and I. (Which I can’t wait to share about because we discovered the BEST pizza place in north TX I think!) And I was happy through all of it. But then yesterday I saw the first, “we’re expecting baby #2 in March!” announcement. And it took everything I had to not cry and throw my phone out the window.

But then I remembered again how great of a weekend we were having! And I was like, forget that, I refuse to let this ruin my day AGAIN! I deserve to be happy, and we are BLESSED times a million as it is. Our lives are pretty awesome. Sure, this really, really sucked, but it’s in the past now, and we are moving on! I’m working on allowing myself to be sad when I want to be sad, but more so working on purposefully being happy and positive and soaking up this time with Adeline and remembering that Adam needs me, and I need him, and it’s stupid for us to both be depressed.

It’s hard sometimes to see the positives within this situation, but we’ve actually found a few. The glass is always half full, right? Adeline turns two in two months from now, which means it’s time to start party planning! I’ve got a fun theme picked out, and have already started a Pinterest board to organize my ideas. I’m planning on taking all my energy out on her party, though I’m not sure I’ll ever love a party as much as I loved her first birthday party. We also haven’t taken our 5 year anniversary trip yet, and now it seems like we have the perfect window of time to make it happen! We haven’t decided what we’ll do yet, probably just a long weekend away somewhere semi-close. And, let’s be real, we’re still not completely done unpacking. Now that we have more time on our hands than we thought, we’re extra motivated to get all the boxes out of the way, finish hanging everything on the walls, and order our last few wish list items for the backyard and playroom. I also got sucked into Game of Thrones last night (eye-roll) and now I’m on episode 3 of season 1 itching to binge watch the whole thing! I told Adam this could be my “time filler show” while I patiently wait for these silly hormones to get back on track. Because if you didn’t know, it takes approximately a century for your HCG to go back down. I’m also planning on getting back to the gym, and now I’m even more motivated to get myself in tip-top shape!

I fully intend to spoil Adeline something fierce these next few weeks. Adeline is such a little firecracker, that it’s hard not to feel instantly happy around her, even if my heart is hurting. Sometimes I think she needs her own little sitcom she’s just so goofy! I want to finally make time to take a zoo trip, visit a few of the children’s museums, and hit up some new playgrounds. Now that summer is coming to a close, I’m thinking we’ll be spending lots of time outside just being. I want to focus on the NOW, and not rush the hands of time.

A good friend of mine said something to me just a day after it happened that really resonated with me, and set the tone for how I’ve decided to deal with things:

“You have such a good outlook on such a sh**** situation.”

And that’s really all you can do, right? (Apologies for the potty word, but the only way to get her point across was to quote her verbatim)

Thank you again to everyone who’s sent words of encouragement or shared their own story with me. It’s beyond helpful! One of these days I’ll get my act together and respond to all of them! Here’s to having a happy week.

PS I’m planning on sharing a house tour pretty soon, so yay for that!

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8 Comments

  • Reply
    Maureen Feeney
    August 21, 2017 at 8:05 pm

    It’s nice to hear that even thought the week was very long, you had some great times. It must be wonderful to have Adeline to snuggle with when you need it since she doesn’t know what’s happened. But she does know that her mom loves her very much. Have a great week Sarah 🙂

  • Reply
    Amanda
    August 21, 2017 at 9:33 pm

    It does suck, but focusing on the positive is always going to bring the mood up! I’m sure there will be ups and downs ahead, but I am glad you have A to snuggle through it all! My friend had a miscarriage this summer, and it was so hard watching her go through that. I think if people do say they are sorry, you could just say “thank you” and not have to feel like you need to say anything else! It’s just what people say when they aren’t sure what to say about a sad situation.
    Amanda recently posted…Let’s Talk FoodMy Profile

  • Reply
    amanda
    August 22, 2017 at 8:40 am

    Can’t even say I can relate or understand. But I’m sending prayers your way, Sarah! Prayers for strength and peace and that God would just meet whatever needs you and your family have! I’m glad that during this, you still choose joy in other things. And I’m glad you have your sweet Adeline to bring joy/happiness to you!
    amanda recently posted…A Charlottesville Weekend and a Fourth Year…My Profile

  • Reply
    Lindsey
    August 22, 2017 at 12:33 pm

    I understand and it does suck. There is no other way to describe a miscarriage. You cant change it and you cant go back, because the moment you see a positive pregnancy test it changes your entire outlook on life from that very second. I don’t care how long you carry your baby for, one day or the full 9 months.. – you created life and it changed you. Its been over a year since I got pregnant for the first time and lost my baby at around 8 weeks as well. I still grieve that baby and I still get tears in my eyes thinking about how old he/she would be right now had things turned out differently. Time does heal your heart as it does with any tragic situation, but the ache will always be there when you reflect back on it. I’m sure you’ve heard the song “Thy Will” by Hilary Scott from Lady Antebellum, but she wrote it after she had a miscarriage and it was literally the ONLY song that wasn’t cheesy to me to bring comfort. Again, praying for you to find comfort and peace in each day but allowing yourself to grieve as well. I know from outsiders looking in that haven’t gone through it they can think you are being dramatic or overly upset, but only you know how much pain you are in because only you knew how much you fell in love with your baby the moment you found out you were pregnant. <3

  • Reply
    Erinn
    August 22, 2017 at 2:35 pm

    Sending prayers to you and your family <3
    It's so great to focus on the positive when you are going through a hard time. And you've got your baby girl – spoil her with all the love 🙂
    Erinn recently posted…The Solar EclipseMy Profile

  • Reply
    Susie Suzlyfe
    August 22, 2017 at 3:19 pm

    I am so sorry that I missed your post about miscarrying. I’ve been in a little selfish bubble over here. I am just so sorry. We found out over the weekend that one of our good friends suffered a miscarriage a month or so ago, and that she had been so excited because she was only 2 weeks behind me. I was totally heartbroken for her. Anyone who has been through the struggle of conception (because trust me, there are people who only have to take the pregnancy test once), but especially those of us who have had to work a bit harder for it… each pregnancy is so sacred, perhaps even more so, and so tenuous. On the one hand, you are scared to hope, on the other hand, you can’t help but do so.
    All this is to say that while I have never lived with a miscarriage, and I can’t imagine how you must feel right now, I understand at least the fear of it in a way others might. To have those fears fulfilled… all I want to say is that you are a strong, beautiful woman with a full heart and I wish the best for you. Feel whatever emotions you need to feel, take as much or little time as necessary, but know that you have so much love surrounding you!
    Susie Suzlyfe recently posted…Pregnancy Funnies: Pregnancy Cravings and Food AversionsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Emily
    August 22, 2017 at 5:35 pm

    Thinking of you, I am so sorry that you went through such a loss. I agree with your friend, you do have such a good outlook on a shit situation and I am glad you are able to find some joys and be with your loved ones.
    Emily recently posted…Countdown body weight workout.My Profile

  • Reply
    Stephanie ReadsWell
    August 23, 2017 at 2:39 am

    Sometimes focusing on the present turns into a wise decision. It is bit hard to forget the past or to set the sweet memories aside. Nice post and I look forward to seeing your next post on the home tour.

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