I’m back with another precious story from a dear friend. I’ve decided to keep everyone’s stories anonymous, just for privacy sake. If you’ve ever experienced the heartache of infertility or miscarriage, you might be able to relate to this story.
Thank you, friend, for sharing your heart and experiences!
Here is her story:
Tell us a little about yourself, your family, your job, your kids, the age of your kids – anything you’d like to share.
I am a follower of Christ, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and speech-language pathologist turned SAHM.
Tell us your story.
I guess to start my story we need to go back to the beginning. It was probably a hot day in July 1988 when I was brought into this world. Haha. Joking. Not that far back…
My husband and I were married in March 2013. We had been dating for a couple years and we wanted to start a family soon. We started trying to have our first kid in September of 2013 because we knew it could easily take up to 6 months. By July 2014, we still weren’t pregnant and I was tired of tracking and trying. I went to see my GYN for my annual visit and expressed my concerns with us not being pregnant. He sent us to Fertility Associates of Memphis to begin testing. Our first test came back as unexplained male factor infertility. We were given a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own and a less than 6% chance of IUI working. The fertility specialist basically said if we wanted a family we would have to do IVF. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. 100% hopelessness. We weren’t going to be a family without major intervention. I was devastated and mad. We decided to take on the financial burden of IVF and began the shots, appointments, medications, tests, etc. in September 2014. Long and boring story short we transferred two embryos in December 2014 and found out shortly before Christmas we were expecting. Then a little bit into 2015 we found out both embryos had taken and we would be having fraternal twins in August 2015. The twin pregnancy was eventful to say the least. Our daughter had a tumor in her placenta making her heart work extra to fill it with blood as well as her little body. We had to have weekly ultrasounds to track her growth. I went on partial bedrest at 20 weeks and complete bedrest at 28 weeks. I developed PUPPS sometime around 32 weeks. Just think chronic unstoppable itching. Anyways thankfully the twins were born via c-section at 36 weeks and 6 days and were completely healthy.
Did I question God during this entire process? Absolutely. All I wanted was to be a mom. I had done everything in the “right order”. Teenagers got pregnant all the time and here I was married, with a good career, a master’s degree, and I couldn’t get pregnant. I hadn’t done drugs, didn’t drink regularly, didn’t smoke. There was no reason why I couldn’t get pregnant and I was MAD. However, God had me humble myself and when it was HIS will, He brought our precious twins into our lives.
Fast forward through that first year because lets be honest I don’t remember most of it. The twins turned one in July 2016. In August we decided to go back to Fertility Associates to discuss our next steps for having another child. We weren’t ready to be pregnant just yet, but we knew last time it took several months and we wanted to get the ball rolling. The doctor told me I had to be done nursing and to call when my September cycle started and we would begin the first medication necessary (which is birth control for a month ironically). I nursed the twins to bed that night for the last time (we had already been slowly weaning them from nursing). September came and my cycle didn’t start. I assumed it was because I had stopped nursing and my hormones were leveling out. Little did I know on September 9, 2016 I would be looking at a positive pregnancy test. WHAT IN THE WORLD!!! I couldn’t get pregnant on my own. We had a less than 1% chance. How did this happen??????????? I was flipping out!! My husband was flipping out. Our house was for sale. He had lost his job. The twins were just 1! How could we be having another baby? We went to my regular OBGYN and he confirmed Baby #3 would be making it’s debut May 2017. Phew another whirlwind. We decided not to find out what the gender of Baby #3 was and on May 7, 2017 we welcomed another sweet little boy into our family.
This confirmed for me that doctor’s don’t know everything. Baby #3 was the “less than 1% chance”. I had no idea why God wanted us to have 3 kids under 2 but obviously he did. For 3 months I had 3 kids 1 and under! Oh man were those crazy months.
I refused to get on birth control because we had fought so hard to have our first kids, we decided God would let it happen when it was meant to happen. We were cautious until after Baby #3 was one. Then I was ready to try again. We tried for 8 months before we got a positive pregnancy test. We were so excited Baby #4 would be joining us in September 2019. Then February 4, 2019 happened. This baby we had been trying for months to have didn’t implant properly and we had a miscarriage. I felt like my body had betrayed me. How could this have happened? We were praying for this baby. We wanted this baby. We had rearranged Fall plans for this baby. How could it be over? But it was. I grieved for a while and still grieve over what might’ve been. I went to see my OBGYN to discuss what had gone wrong. He informed me there is nothing I could’ve done differently. The baby simply didn’t implant allowing my body to produce the progesterone necessary to make it a viable pregnancy. He referred to it as a “chemical pregnancy”. I personally hate that phrase. It was a baby. It was there. Egg met sperm and started to divide. It was a baby. Anyways he informed me to stop being such a control freak (We have a pretty good relationship and he is a pretty blunt man) and to delete all my apps tracking when ovulation would occur. He also told us to wait two months before trying again.
Fast forward to April 3…My husband and I had a HUGE fight. I’m never THAT mad. I was furious. What about? I have no idea, but at the time it was important to me. The next morning was Thursday April 4 and I thought, “I am never that mad, something seems off” so I decided to pee on a stick (because after you’ve been trying for months you have some of those pregnancy tests hidden in your bathroom that you secretly hope your husband doesn’t know about). Anyways the test was POSITIVE. I remember shaking all over. We hadn’t waited two months. My doctor was going to be mad. How had this happened? I wasn’t going to tell my husband until after I had gone to the doctor. I emailed my nurse at 6:45 am to ask for blood work to be done ASAP. Needless to say he got out of the shower and I showed him the test. He was extremely excited immediately. I was WAY more reserved. I couldn’t let myself get attached until I knew this baby was actually going to happen. I couldn’t handle the emotions of a miscarriage again.
I went to the doctor around 10 that day. My levels were sky high. I went back two days later and they had doubled. The nurse said everything looks perfect. We went in for ultrasound to see the heartbeat and determine how far along I was the next week. I was 6 weeks 3 days and we saw it’s precious little heartbeat. We told our families.
We are now 17 weeks into this pregnancy and recently found out that it’s a GIRL! I am having miscarriage nightmares almost every night. I am so scared of losing this baby, but it is out of my control. This is where my faith is having to take over for me. God’s will will be done no matter what. He has a plan for this precious baby. I pray that it is going to survive and join our little family in November, but only time will tell.
How did this experience rock your faith, or grow your faith?
As a person with a Type A personality who likes to be in control all the time, I have learned I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF ANYTHING. I couldn’t control when our family started, how far apart our kids all are, or the genders. It’s also helped me to remember my God is the Great Physician and even though a doctor may tell me I have a less than 1% chance of becoming a mommy on my own, My God says, “Take a step back and let me show you what I can do”.
Were you a person of faith before this experience?
How did you move past this experience? What have you done to heal your heart or what did you do?
I feel as though I am in the midst of part of this experience. This is my journey to becoming the mom I’ve always dreamed of being. As unconventional and unplanned as that may be.
Was there a song(s) that you found encouraging or symbolic during this time?
“Thy Will” by Hillary Scott and The Scott Family. I listened to it on repeat during the pregnancy with baby #3 and sing it constantly throughout this pregnancy.
Was there a certain scripture you found encouraging?
Jeremiah 29:11 Exodus 14:14: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still”
Overall, how do you feel like your faith has changed since this experience?
It has grown tremendously. Not only in the process of becoming pregnant, but as a mother. Nothing helps you see the love God has for His children, like having children of your own.
What would you tell someone going through something similar?
Get a second opinion. The smartest doctors in the world don’t know everything. Chill out a little. Stop trying so hard to control it. Delete your apps! It will happen. Somehow, someway, it will happen. “Naturally”, IUI, IVF, Foster, Adoption. God has the perfect plan for you.
If you would like to submit a story to this series, you can do so anonymously HERE.