Let’s talk real talk for a bit. Having a newborn is HARD. It has gotten easier in some ways, and harder in others. But collectively, it is TOUGH. It is overwhelming and exhausting, but also so rewarding and JOYFUL. I’m pretty sure we are in the middle of a growth spurt, and it has been a little bit brutal at times. The past few days have been extra tiring, and I’ve been feeling like I’m on an emotional roller coaster. Because of the extra crying and nursing, I feel like I’m much more sensitive than normal. The past few days, like any new mom, I have constantly felt like I’m questioning whether or not I’m doing things right, and googling anything and everything about those questions. Totally normal, I know, but here are a few of the thoughts running through my still-hormonal mind just to get them off my chest and to laugh about later. I’m sure someone out there can relate!
-Am I a bad mom for forgetting to do tummy time most days? My child will never learn to crawl based on the rate we’re going.
-Should I be reading to her everyday? She’s only awake and happy enough for so long! I’ve read her a couple books, but for the most part I can’t keep her attention long enough to read. She’s only 5 weeks old!
-I think she likes when I sing to her, but I honestly only know the words to like, a handful of lullabies or nursery tunes. Do other moms have them all memorized?
-I feel so guilty sometimes for feeling anger or annoyance towards her when she won’t stop crying, but I know that’s normal. However, I can barely stand the thought of being away from her.
-Is she going to think I abandoned her when we drop her off at daycare for the first time? Trying not to think about that day…
-Is it selfish of me to want to have a few minutes each day to actually get my to-do list done and I would love nothing more than to set her down and be by myself?
-Am I a bad mom for seriously thinking I might lose my mind sometimes when she won’t stop crying?
-When someone asks me how old she is, it takes me several seconds to think of the answer. Is that bad? Clearly I know when her birthday is, but my brain feels like mush!
-Am I selfish for secretly WANTING MY BODY BACK?
-Am I ruining my child by sitting with her while I watch TV? I try not to let her look at the TV, but if she does is she going to be damaged??
-Some nights when I hear her start to stir or grumble over the monitor, I try really really hard to sleep through it and ignore it. Does that make me mean? It’s really really exhausting sometimes to get up as soon as I’ve drifted off to sleep!
-Am I lazy for keeping her in her jammies all day?
-Am I a bad girl mom for not dressing her up fancy and putting a bow on her head everyday?
-People have asked me what to get her for Christmas, and I have no idea what kinds of toys she will need. How am I supposed to know what she needs and when she needs it? What if she gets behind developmentally??
-Am I a weeny for thinking her car seat is ridiculously heavy?
-I literally only have one bag of frozen breast milk stored away in the freezer. Does that make me a bad mom for not already making a huge stash for when she goes to daycare?
-Sometimes I’m excited about getting back to work and into my normal routine, and sometimes I think it’s going to be the worst thing ever.
But even after all of these first-time-mom-thoughts have subsided, I still melt every time Adeline coos or gives me one of her gassy smiles. Every time she sneezes one of her hilarious precious noises, I feel like I just want to scoop her up and squeeze her to pieces. When she burps after a feeding, it makes me laugh every.single.time. At night after her last feeding, when she falls peacefully asleep in my arms, I just want to hold her forever and keep her this size as long as possible. When she snores, I could just stare at her and listen until she wakes up. After she’s been crying, and I grab her and snuggle her and she stops immediately, it melts my heart that all she needed was her mom. I am needed. And for her, I am everything.
Being a mom isn’t the easiest thing in the world, and I’m learning that every day. I may not feel confident all the time, or know the answers to the crazy thoughts my mind conjures up when I’m exhausted, but the one thing I am 100% sure of is that being HER mom is the absolute greatest thing ever. For real, ya’ll. It’s just amazing. No matter how hard the days and nights are, I am absolutely loving every second of this precious time I know is passing way too quickly.
Baby girl will be 6 weeks old on Thursday, and I’m fairly confident these past 6 weeks have been the fastest 6 weeks of my life!
So who can relate to these thoughts? I know I’m not the only one! I’m all about being honest throughout this newborn journey because I feel like it’s not talked about enough. One day I will look back on this time and wish I could do it again!
Here’s to being that crazy psycho first time mom who’s experiencing all the feels!