23 In Motherhood

All the Feels

Let’s talk real talk for a bit. Having a newborn is HARD. It has gotten easier in some ways, and harder in others. But collectively, it is TOUGH. It is overwhelming and exhausting, but also so rewarding and JOYFUL. I’m pretty sure we are in the middle of a growth spurt, and it has been a little bit brutal at times. The past few days have been extra tiring, and I’ve been feeling like I’m on an emotional roller coaster. Because of the extra crying and nursing, I feel like I’m much more sensitive than normal. The past few days, like any new mom, I have constantly felt like I’m questioning whether or not I’m doing things right, and googling anything and everything about those questions. Totally normal, I know, but here are a few of the thoughts running through my still-hormonal mind just to get them off my chest and to laugh about later. I’m sure someone out there can relate!

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-Am I a bad mom for forgetting to do tummy time most days? My child will never learn to crawl based on the rate we’re going.

-Should I be reading to her everyday? She’s only awake and happy enough for so long! I’ve read her a couple books, but for the most part I can’t keep her attention long enough to read. She’s only 5 weeks old!

-I think she likes when I sing to her, but I honestly only know the words to like, a handful of lullabies or nursery tunes. Do other moms have them all memorized?

-I feel so guilty sometimes for feeling anger or annoyance towards her when she won’t stop crying, but I know that’s normal. However, I can barely stand the thought of being away from her.

-Is she going to think I abandoned her when we drop her off at daycare for the first time? Trying not to think about that day…

-Is it selfish of me to want to have a few minutes each day to actually get my to-do list done and I would love nothing more than to set her down and be by myself?

-Am I a bad mom for seriously thinking I might lose my mind sometimes when she won’t stop crying?

-When someone asks me how old she is, it takes me several seconds to think of the answer. Is that bad? Clearly I know when her birthday is, but my brain feels like mush!

-Am I selfish for secretly WANTING MY BODY BACK?

-Am I ruining my child by sitting with her while I watch TV? I try not to let her look at the TV, but if she does is she going to be damaged??

-Some nights when I hear her start to stir or grumble over the monitor, I try really really hard to sleep through it and ignore it. Does that make me mean? It’s really really exhausting sometimes to get up as soon as I’ve drifted off to sleep!

-Am I lazy for keeping her in her jammies all day?

-Am I a bad girl mom for not dressing her up fancy and putting a bow on her head everyday?

-People have asked me what to get her for Christmas, and I have no idea what kinds of toys she will need. How am I supposed to know what she needs and when she needs it? What if she gets behind developmentally??

-Am I a weeny for thinking her car seat is ridiculously heavy?

-I literally only have one bag of frozen breast milk stored away in the freezer. Does that make me a bad mom for not already making a huge stash for when she goes to daycare?

-Sometimes I’m excited about getting back to work and into my normal routine, and sometimes I think it’s going to be the worst thing ever.

But even after all of these first-time-mom-thoughts have subsided, I still melt every time Adeline coos or gives me one of her gassy smiles. Every time she sneezes one of her hilarious precious noises, I feel like I just want to scoop her up and squeeze her to pieces. When she burps after a feeding, it makes me laugh every.single.time. At night after her last feeding, when she falls peacefully asleep in my arms, I just want to hold her forever and keep her this size as long as possible. When she snores, I could just stare at her and listen until she wakes up. After she’s been crying, and I grab her and snuggle her and she stops immediately, it melts my heart that all she needed was her mom. I am needed. And for her, I am everything.

Being a mom isn’t the easiest thing in the world, and I’m learning that every day. I may not feel confident all the time, or know the answers to the crazy thoughts my mind conjures up when I’m exhausted, but the one thing I am 100% sure of is that being HER mom is the absolute greatest thing ever. For real, ya’ll. It’s just amazing. No matter how hard the days and nights are, I am absolutely loving every second of this precious time I know is passing way too quickly.

Baby girl will be 6 weeks old on Thursday, and I’m fairly confident these past 6 weeks have been the fastest 6 weeks of my life!

So who can relate to these thoughts? I know I’m not the only one! I’m all about being honest throughout this newborn journey because I feel like it’s not talked about enough. One day I will look back on this time and wish I could do it again!

Here’s to being that crazy psycho first time mom who’s experiencing all the feels!

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23 Comments

  • Reply
    Lisa
    December 1, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    Hmmm I could respond to every single one of these questions at length, but to spare you that I’ll just say — I FEEL YOU because having a newborn is HARD! SO HARD.

    In a nutshell: You can watch TV, just try not to have her stare at it for hours on end. You don’t need to read to her at all, really. I mean, it might be a nice activity, but you have PLENTY of time for that when you really start getting into bedtime routines. Clara wasn’t at all interested in books until she was about a year old, and now we read for HOURS every day because it’s all she wants to do. Also, I rarely dressed Clara up when she was a newborn… jammies all of the time, especially in the winter! Once they start walking it gets WAY more fun to dress them up, so you have time.. And I couldn’t WAIT to get my body back and I feel like it takes a really, really long time. At least it did for me. And now I’m pregnant again so I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that it may never happen…

    But really, the whole point is you are NOT going to ruin your child in these newborn weeks (or ever, really) and you should do whatever you need to do to be a happy and sane and functioning mom! These are the weeks you should DEFINITELY read and watch Netflix and do your own thing as much as possible, because once she starts crawling it’s all over! 😉
    Lisa recently posted…A Portland ThanksgivingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Fiona
    December 1, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    Litereally every worry you have, I’ve head, my son is now 4 month and ONLY now would I say most days I feel like ‘I am in a groove’ and then BAM the next day he switches and does the exact opposite. I actually ended up with mild post partum depression because I put SO Much pressure on myself to be into my baby ALL the time. But you know what is more natural? To go about your day and check in see how she’s doing, happily playing on her play mat or just chillin in her swing, perfect, go do a load of laundry or sit and READ or watch TV!!! It’s OKAY….being a mom doesn’t mean you’re INTO your kid 24/7 …you can still love them but want time to yourself, it actually MAKES you a better mom..saaay what putting yourself first…no way..I know my mind was boggled..and tummy time..I rarely remembered to do it and he’s 4 months and lifts his head fine, my mom didn’t even do it with us and clearly I can hold my head up lol ….We only started reading to our little guy as a cue for bedtime once we started doing a bedtime routine (which was NOT until like 8 weeks). My biggest advice is find one or two moms that you REALLY trust, friends, family and ask them for advice. Don’t google, don’t ask 1000 moms…it gets too overwhelming and you’ll feel worse about yourself. Just know you’ve got this and if nothing else gets done in a day ..know you kept a HUMAN alive…not many people can say that..so you’re doing amazing mama and know we are all here supporting you…you got this (pep talk over! 🙂

  • Reply
    Molly Rose
    December 1, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    I just love ya. I’m not a mom but I guarantee you’re not the only one with all these new-mom feels.. Loved this honest post, girl you are doing AMAZING.
    Molly Rose recently posted…Pros & Cons of Blue ApronMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mom
    December 1, 2015 at 5:18 pm

    You are doing two of the best things you can do. Getting out of the house and writing down your thoughts and feelings 🙂 All these things that are so difficult now will pass and spring will come, and you will be so happy with your little munchkin 🙂 we all love you so much!!!

  • Reply
    Nicole
    December 1, 2015 at 6:30 pm

    As a fellow new mom I was nodding my head right along with all of these!! I had to laugh at the tummy time too because I totally forget (and she hates it). Just the fact that you’re thinking of all these things means you’re a great mom! Just keep doing your best and remember that anything you do for your family is right even if others do it differently. And I totally want my body back too- just wrote a whole blog post about it!
    Nicole recently posted…Body After BabyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Emily
    December 1, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    OMG omg you took the words out of my mouth! My son will be 4 weeks on Friday and I seriously have 99% of the same thoughts all of the time! It’s so hard and so amazing at the same time. I am so right there with you! It feels so much better knowing I’m not alone feeling all of the feels (crazy/tired/so overjoyed/happy/sad) all the time! I am right there with you! (And so tired! So, so, so tired…)

  • Reply
    Melissa @ Freeing Imperfections
    December 1, 2015 at 7:08 pm

    All very normal!!! Although I really hated that saying when I was going through this stage (and even the stages I’m going through now). So many moms or whoever would say “oh but that’s normal,” but it doesn’t FEEL normal! It’s all a very tender time.

    I suck at tummy time, mostly because Claire always hated it. She sat up “later” than other babies and is not crawling yet, but is still well within the range to crawl, so I’m not worried. Crawling is also not a milestone as not all kids do though! 😉

    I am totally in the boat of omg I just want MY time. I am doing chores all day, trying to get her to nap all day and failing because Claire is NOT a sleeper, and then by the end of the day I am too tired to do anything for me. I’ve been really cranky lately because I feel like everyone needs something from me in my family but I have like negative to give!

    As for the breast milk thing, I have never had a stash. Any time I have tried, I wail through it because my supply is so low, I have to use it. I also didn’t start pumping until like 2 months in, which I so regret now! If you can, don’t touch the stash you have! But she is only 6 weeks – I would definitely not expect you to have bags and bags of milk already!

    There will be a moment or phase when you feel things click, though, I think. You get to know this crazy creature that you created and you really do know her better than anyone else. The newborn stage is rough because they don’t even know how to express what they need. The older they get, the more they can express it and the more you realize what they want.

    Some days, I feel like I do nothing right, but when I look back, as her mom, I know I am the only one who could have taken care of her like I do. You are loving her and giving her all she needs, even though it feels like you’re just a yoga pants wearing milk machine right now. Keep talking about this because it needs to be said! Sorry for the book, but I love mom talk!
    Melissa @ Freeing Imperfections recently posted…Claire: 7 MonthsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Emily
    December 1, 2015 at 8:39 pm

    SO normal! I’d cry a lot when Amelia was a few weeks old because I felt like I had to constantly entertain her and was worried I wasn’t doing enough. One day, I read somewhere that in the first couple of moths, don’t worry about doing things for them, instead enjoy doing things that you enjoy with them. That clicked for me — cuddle, go for walks, have her sit with you while you watch TV. That’s all newborns really need! I wish I would’ve just sat and held Amelia more when she was just born instead of worrying about getting into a routine and entertaining her.

    Things will just click in the future. Around the 3 month mark (just a week ago), things clicked for me and I no longer worry about the things I once did. I know 3 months probably seems so far away right now, but it goes by so fast!

    You are doing a great job!!
    Emily recently posted…Thanksgiving Weekend 2015My Profile

  • Reply
    Katie @ Live Half Full
    December 1, 2015 at 10:32 pm

    Oh I’m glad I’m not the only one who forgets tummy time! Buel lifts his head anyway, so I don’t feel too bad.

    Have you discovered Rockabye Baby! yet? Real songs to sing to baby!

    I want my body back too. Maybe someday!

    And I agree- all the feels. You put things so perfectly! Above all else I’m loving motherhood. I’m just so happy!
    Katie @ Live Half Full recently posted…December Goals and Holiday Bucket ListMy Profile

    • Reply
      Sweet Miles
      December 3, 2015 at 10:21 am

      Haha you’re deff not the only one who forgets! Adeline does too, so I try not to worry too much. And no, I haven’t! But sounds like I need that in my life!! Motherhood is hard but goodness it is so SWEET! 🙂

  • Reply
    Brittany
    December 1, 2015 at 11:33 pm

    I could have written this word for word. My baby girl will be 6 weeks Thursday too. I feel you, mama. Hang in there.

    • Reply
      Sweet Miles
      December 3, 2015 at 10:20 am

      Awww same age!! 🙂 I’m glad you could relate! We got this!

  • Reply
    megabrooke
    December 2, 2015 at 10:27 am

    I enjoyed this post! I’m not a mom yet, but I am a momma-to-be and 16 1/2 weeks, so I’m so happy I found your blog because it’s really refreshing to read about a real mom’s experience in a genuine way! Thank you for sharing. Looks to me like you’re doing a great job! Congrats on your little girl!

    • Reply
      Sweet Miles
      December 3, 2015 at 10:19 am

      I’m so glad! That means a lot that you said you enjoyed it! Hopefully it’s helpful 🙂 Congrats to you!!! You’re in the sweet spot of pregnancy right now 🙂 Are you finding out what you’re having soon? So exciting!!!! Thank you for reading!

  • Reply
    Christine
    December 2, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    I totally get it. My son is five now and your post brought back all the memories of those first few weeks. Especially the lullaby thing – I remember trying to rock him to sleep while singing Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” since it was one of the only songs that I could remember all of the words to at that moment.

    It gets both easier and harder but you seem like you’re doing a great job.

    • Reply
      Sweet Miles
      December 3, 2015 at 10:18 am

      Haha!! That sounds about right! I’m making up songs left and right or singing kid friendly versions of whatever is on the radio, ha!

  • Reply
    Sara
    December 2, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    You nailed it! Lately I’ve been so worried about over feeding her now that we’ve added formula & are we doing enough for her to learn and grow. I have so many of the same thoughts as you!
    Sara recently posted…Allison – 3 Month UpdateMy Profile

    • Reply
      Sweet Miles
      December 3, 2015 at 10:17 am

      There really is so much to worry about! More than I ever imagined! How is formula working for you guys?

  • Reply
    Kylie Rose
    December 2, 2015 at 9:52 pm

    Every.single.one. I’m with you sister. SO happy we have this to go through together!

    • Reply
      Sweet Miles
      December 3, 2015 at 10:16 am

      Me too!!! It helps SO much having someone to talk to!

  • Reply
    Kathy
    December 3, 2015 at 7:45 am

    I started reading your pregnancy blog and I’m due in a few weeks. Thanks for documenting your experience in such a real way. And hang in there! I can see myself having the same concerns. Too often women are expected to love being a mom, but it’s such an enormous transition!

    • Reply
      Sweet Miles
      December 3, 2015 at 10:16 am

      Congratulations Kathy!!! I’m so glad you’re reading it 🙂 It was fun documenting it! Motherhood has been super tough 50% of the time and an absolutely amazing joy the other 50% 🙂 Be sure and let me know the good news of your arrival!! So exciting!! It will be the BEST day of your life. I would go back and do her birthday a million times again!

  • Reply
    Janelle
    December 4, 2015 at 11:43 am

    All I can say is YES! So.much.yes. It makes me feel so much better that someone else has the same thoughts!

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